ECDL should be mandatory

My brother just passed his ECDL and celebrated by announcing it on Facebook. The majority of comments were along the lines of:

“lol congrats! urm…wots ecdl? hurr durr”

I can guarantee that these people reprobates most likely bought their computers from PC world and probably have, at minimum, 4 addon toolbars in Internet Explorer.

This needs to stop.

I would call for all employers who expect their staff to use computers to have them sit and pass ECDL prior to them being given a login ID. Each employee should know how to properly format a letter in Word, how to create a vlookup in Excel, and have an understanding of how Access databases work, even if they never use it again.

Employers would soon see reduced costs in IT Services because finally their users would have a fucking clue. IT staff would be less stressed and disgruntled because they wouldn’t have as many users complaining that “excel is broke” because they were too stupid to correctly format a single cell which messed up a simple =SUM() formula.

If I had my way, if would also be mandatory in schools because the world runs on computers now. Unless your aspirations involve digging graves for the council, every other job requires you to work with computers. If you can’t use a computer, you don’t get the job. Simple.

And if you don’t attempt to learn how to use a computer, then you should only be given a job cleaning toilets.

The self-proclaimed IT Evangelist #02

Another one of the ginger twat’s home-made monstrosities was a automatic report system which, for reasons best kept to himself at the risk of being punched in the face repeatedly, was called “Gwen”

Now “Gwen” actually has some merit. It’s only ~350 Kb in size, runs as a service, emails the reports to whoever is in the associated distribution list, and has only needed a minor update to one of the report templates in 2013.

Until now…

One of the reports sends out an email to managers and HR with details of personnel who’s certification has expired or is due to expire and has been running since 2008. For reasons best known to the fuckwit, it has been querying a custom lookup table from the HR system that is a duplicate of another built in table which holds job titles. The difference between these two tables is that the custom lookup table has to be manually updated. The built in table, funnily enough, ties in with the rest of the system and is actively updated by HR. Needless to say, there are a lot of disparities between these two tables.

So, I need to tell this report to look at the correct table so people can see what job someone actually has, not what they had back in 2008.
There is only one little snag…

The subversion repo does not contain any reference whatso-fucking-ever of the PersonnelCertReport. In fact, it’s missing several others too. And this is the only place that code was kept…

So, fuck knows where this dipshit put the code. I’m not waiting around till 11pm on a Friday for the next report to generate and run a trace. They don’t pay me enough to get that deep into sorting out the stinky bastard’s shit.

The self-proclaimed IT Evangelist #01

I spent the majority of last week digging through 3 SQL database servers trying to establish which of the databases were actually still used or needed, because the fuckwitted self-proclaimed IT evangelist made so many shit home-made systems and never bothered to ever finish them.

For instance, you may have heard of Growl. I can only assume that in his syphilitic batshit insane brain, he thought it would be a good idea to make some kind of LAN notification system. So he included Growl in the Windows 7 base image and created a database to contain whatever the fuck he wanted to pop up on everyone’s computer. Such as “I’m a fat smelly ginger twat!”

So, needless to say, the “project” was never finished – and probably never sanctioned by the business in the fist place. But there we are with unwanted/unneeded software on every single PC, and a database sitting there, being backed up every sodding night…for no fucking reason…for the last few YEARS! It never occurred to anyone who sat in my seat before me (and after the fat fuckhead) to clean up his mess. They seemed to somehow be content trying to work amongst his slew of moronic systems and abominable processes. Or they were just a lazy and moronic…

9 Databases, but at least only 2.4 GB of data have now been decommissioned and the backups/logs will slowly disappear as they reach the 14 day age limit before being deleted… Another initiative I had to implement because my predecessors had no concept of data storage. The backups would have continued until the entire SAN filled up.