Fuck cars

So I’m out gardening (read: weed removal)  and it’s quite, so I open the car and put on the radio. some ok classic rock being played.

that was  for about 30 min and I realise the radio wasn’t playing anymore…  odd.

turns out it completely drained the battery! what the fuck!?

so I  spent the last TWO FUCKING HOURS trying to jump start off the other car, but it’s doing nothing. Battery must be fucked. so I think, I’ll go buy a new battery, old one is ~13 years old, so fine.

NO! can you remove a battery easily from a 52 plate  corsa? not without removing windscreen washers, water guard, 2m of rubber seal, and fuck knows what else. Well I’m running out of daylight, so I’ll do it tomorrow… BUT I FUCKING CAN’T BECAUSE THE WINDOW IS DOWN… AND IT’S ENTIRELY ELECTRIC! how the fuck there isn’t a manual winder just in case something fucked up like this happens!?

So I’ve got no option but to try get enough charge for auxiliary bits to function and get the window up. so I’ve got to get the jump leads out again….

BUT NO!! fuck you, Grant. not gonna let you do anything. hahaha!

this fucking thing is not getting the better of me! I sit revving the good car for about 20min and BINGO! Got the motherfucker to start!

But wait! there’s more!

I didn’t set the battery back in securely or tighten the terminals. so I’m sitting here writing this so the piece of shit corsa has enough charge so I can kill the engine, tighten everything back up, and hopefully start it again!

I hate  cars!

Stay at home Dad

I’m on day 5 of being a stay at home Dad. [Yes, thank you. I am amazing]

So I  no longer have to deal with moronic users day in day out, which is absolutely fantastic. Even after 3 days I felt so much better about myself in that I wasn’t being let down by humanity for their total and utter fuckwittery.

Some might argue that I’m still dealing with an uneducated person, but it’s different. My son, quite frankly doesn’t know any better. That’s fine. Completely understandable. He’s learning and will be taught not to be a moron.
Unlike adults who should have already learned to not be an idiot.

However, there is no total escape…

Almost every day when out for a walk with my son in the buggy, I’ll come across a cretin who is too busy illuminating their face, playing on their phone, instead of watching where the fuck they are going.

It’s not difficult!
For starters, there is me. A full grown adult who kinda stands out when there is no-one else on the pavement.
Then there is the great big bright blue buggy I’m pushing which stands out even more against the surrounding environment.

But nooooooo. You have to walk right into the buggy and kick the wheel, jolting the buggy and waking up my sleeping son. /s

The next time it happens, I’m going to smack the phone out of your hands, hoping it smashes on the ground. And then promptly punch you in the fucking face. See if you notice THAT!


ECDL should be mandatory

My brother just passed his ECDL and celebrated by announcing it on Facebook. The majority of comments were along the lines of:

“lol congrats! urm…wots ecdl? hurr durr”

I can guarantee that these people reprobates most likely bought their computers from PC world and probably have, at minimum, 4 addon toolbars in Internet Explorer.

This needs to stop.

I would call for all employers who expect their staff to use computers to have them sit and pass ECDL prior to them being given a login ID. Each employee should know how to properly format a letter in Word, how to create a vlookup in Excel, and have an understanding of how Access databases work, even if they never use it again.

Employers would soon see reduced costs in IT Services because finally their users would have a fucking clue. IT staff would be less stressed and disgruntled because they wouldn’t have as many users complaining that “excel is broke” because they were too stupid to correctly format a single cell which messed up a simple =SUM() formula.

If I had my way, if would also be mandatory in schools because the world runs on computers now. Unless your aspirations involve digging graves for the council, every other job requires you to work with computers. If you can’t use a computer, you don’t get the job. Simple.

And if you don’t attempt to learn how to use a computer, then you should only be given a job cleaning toilets.

The self-proclaimed IT Evangelist #02

Another one of the ginger twat’s home-made monstrosities was a automatic report system which, for reasons best kept to himself at the risk of being punched in the face repeatedly, was called “Gwen”

Now “Gwen” actually has some merit. It’s only ~350 Kb in size, runs as a service, emails the reports to whoever is in the associated distribution list, and has only needed a minor update to one of the report templates in 2013.

Until now…

One of the reports sends out an email to managers and HR with details of personnel who’s certification has expired or is due to expire and has been running since 2008. For reasons best known to the fuckwit, it has been querying a custom lookup table from the HR system that is a duplicate of another built in table which holds job titles. The difference between these two tables is that the custom lookup table has to be manually updated. The built in table, funnily enough, ties in with the rest of the system and is actively updated by HR. Needless to say, there are a lot of disparities between these two tables.

So, I need to tell this report to look at the correct table so people can see what job someone actually has, not what they had back in 2008.
There is only one little snag…

The subversion repo does not contain any reference whatso-fucking-ever of the PersonnelCertReport. In fact, it’s missing several others too. And this is the only place that code was kept…

So, fuck knows where this dipshit put the code. I’m not waiting around till 11pm on a Friday for the next report to generate and run a trace. They don’t pay me enough to get that deep into sorting out the stinky bastard’s shit.

The self-proclaimed IT Evangelist #01

I spent the majority of last week digging through 3 SQL database servers trying to establish which of the databases were actually still used or needed, because the fuckwitted self-proclaimed IT evangelist made so many shit home-made systems and never bothered to ever finish them.

For instance, you may have heard of Growl. I can only assume that in his syphilitic batshit insane brain, he thought it would be a good idea to make some kind of LAN notification system. So he included Growl in the Windows 7 base image and created a database to contain whatever the fuck he wanted to pop up on everyone’s computer. Such as “I’m a fat smelly ginger twat!”

So, needless to say, the “project” was never finished – and probably never sanctioned by the business in the fist place. But there we are with unwanted/unneeded software on every single PC, and a database sitting there, being backed up every sodding night…for no fucking reason…for the last few YEARS! It never occurred to anyone who sat in my seat before me (and after the fat fuckhead) to clean up his mess. They seemed to somehow be content trying to work amongst his slew of moronic systems and abominable processes. Or they were just a lazy and moronic…

9 Databases, but at least only 2.4 GB of data have now been decommissioned and the backups/logs will slowly disappear as they reach the 14 day age limit before being deleted… Another initiative I had to implement because my predecessors had no concept of data storage. The backups would have continued until the entire SAN filled up.

Driver properly, asshole

See this sign: UK_50_mph_speed_limit_sign

It means the fucking speed limit is 50 mph. NOT 40 mph.
Trust me – everyone else wants to drive at that limit. Some even want to go faster, but they’re knobheads who need deserve to die.

You cause more accidents by driving slower than those driving faster, because those who can fucking drive properly get so frustrated with you assholes that things go wrong.

If it was 30mph, would you drive at 20mph? Probably not. SO FUCKING KEEP THE SAME RULE.

You dickheads should forfeit your car to me since you don’t fucking deserve it. Now please go crawl into a ditch and set yourself in fire.

Piss off superbowl

I don’t give a flying fuck about the seabroncos or denverhawks or whoever the fuck throws a leather egg around.

I have no interest in doing work this Monday morning, but Reddit is infested with bullshit posts across all subreddits regarding this american cancer.

If you want to post something about your stupid fucking game, keep it in a related subreddit like /r/superbowl /r/handegg and let me use RES to filter out that shit from my steam of procrastination.
/r/funny is for – believe it or not – funny things. Nothing is funny about american football except that people actually enjoy that shit. So fuck off!

You stupid american twats


NB: I also fucking hate football – or as you fuckwit americans call “soccer”. It’s fucking pointless and a complete waste of money.

Abolish all these over-hyped and over-funded sports and pump that money into healthcare or something actually worth while!
America could probably afford an ACTUAL healthcare system if they put the money wasted on this superbowl shit into fixing obamacare.

Fuck David Cameron

In light of recent articles detailing the proposed (and possibly speculated) “Great British Firewall”, I am disgusted by the people who “run” this country.

It’s not just about having porn blocked. It’s everything else that’s being blocked along with it, including (supposedly) Web forums.
That, along with forcing you to put your name and details on a list to say you want to look at boobies. (Not just boobies though, which is the point.)

I’m already paying enough to get online. I don’t want to pay more to use a proxy to access areas of the internet that are supposed to be free in the first place.
If they’re going to force ISPs to block portions of the net, then they will have to reduce the cost of getting online significantly. ISPs won’t like this movement. It puts too much pressure on their income.

However, I digress. Being a keyboard warrior does nothing. Write to your MP asking if they plan on backing this. If they do, tell them your not voting for them next time round. They don’t care about the vote, but they do care about the money they receive being elected.
There is also a petition: http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/51746

  • Sources:
    • http://www.wired.co.uk/news/archive/2013-07/27/pornwall/
    • https://www.openrightsgroup.org/blog/2013/sleepwalking-into-censorship/
    • http://www.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/1j7m4a/onbydefault_uk_internet_porn_filters_will_also/

Rip-off Peter Vardy

£6.99 for replacement keyfob parts, battery, and micro switches from Ebay.
15min to solder micro switch in place and test.


£72 for Peter Vardy to do the same which would take around 2 weeks to do.

Guess which option I took?